Today my father and I had a very strange experience.

First, we gathered up the remains of dead plants from all over the yard. We used high-tech machinery to relocate the remains to one particular part of the yard, where we gathered them in neat, but gruesome little piles.

Then we took some other plants, which were still alive, and pulled them from the dirt. These plants were undesirable, and had to be removed to make way for other, more desirable plants. The plants we removed were relocated along with the dead plants, and I presume they will soon die as well.

Some of the plants were hard to pull out of the ground. So we used a more lethal method of removal. I used a battery-powered plant-zapping chemical ray gun to poison the plants so that we could await their demise.

It had an extendable nozzle and three area-of-effect settings.
It had an extendable nozzle and three area-of-effect settings.

When we were done with eliminating and removing the undesirable plants, things got even weirder. My father had purchased a large quantity of dirt, which he hauled home in a trailer because it was more desirable than the dirt he already owned. He had also acquired new, store-bought plants that were superior to the plants already growing all around the yard. In fact, these plants were so superior that he refused to put them in the dirt alongside the other, inferior plants. We used special wooden containers, filled them with the newly purchased dirt, and placed the superior plants inside them. The dirt-filled containers now sit outside on top of the inferior dirt.

After that, we used crude hand tools to dig up and loosen the inferior dirt in a particular location that had been predetermined as the most ideal location for the next stage of our venture. We pulled up the dirt, loosened it, and packed it back down in the same location. A small volume of the dirt was removed. We also cut parts of a nearby plant that grew under the dirt, since they were interfering with our work, though we left the rest of the plant where it was.

Next we took some rectangular concrete slabs from an undesirable location and relocated them to the newly prepared, more desirable location. We did this so that we could place another container on top of the slabs. We then filled another container with some of the dirt we’d just dug up (rather than the superior dirt from earlier, even though we had plenty of that left) and placed this container inside the other container on top of the concrete slabs.

We then left the container-filled-with-dirt-within-another-container where it was, so that new plants could be added to it at a future time.

The entire time, I was unable to determine what made the undesirable plants so inferior that warranted their destruction and removal for the superior plants. But my father was quite satisfied with the results.

Gardening is weird, man.

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